(First of all let me humbly apologize for my technologically induced hiatus. Although I was able to save all my files of past importance, certain artistic applications have gone to meet The Great Programmer in the Cybersphere and unless I sell one of my children or a few of my cats, it will not be back. Therefore please allow me to return to your good graces with a slight ramble appropriately entitled: “I Digress”)
One of the advantages of committing oneself to writing a blog is the strange egocentric feeling that I have indeed annexed my own little piece of cyberspace. Without meaning to sound certifiably insane, I find this new, occasional pastime quite liberating. I can do whatever I want here! Fear not! I do promise to keep my clothes on as I frolic through this strange antediluvian forest we call the English language. However, once in a while, I may ask the reader to bear with me as I defy the laws of grammatical gravity and allow myself to oft-times indulge in idiosyncratic flights of poetic license.
For instance, I state now, for the record, that I fully intend to use the word “stupid” as a noun. You are powerless to stop me. Oh… you can stop reading my blog, but I will continue to use this particular word in this rather unconventional way. While you’re off looking up old flames on Facebook and Googling “can has cheezburger” kitties, I will continue to force the word “stupid” from its proper and comfortable existence as an adjective, into my warped realm and bend it to my every whim in statements such as:
“As the politician spoke to the TV reporter, slathers of stupid foamed from his mouth and on to the microphone.”
“The Trump supporters filed into the auditorium, their bright red hats proudly perched like teetering buckets of stupid on their pointy little heads.”
“TV’s newest reality star, void of talent or any other characteristic that would be considered celebrity-worthy, had a wardrobe malfunction on the red carpet, allowing the crowd at the awards ceremony a brief, titillating glimpse of her amply endowed stupid.
I know some of you are wondering why I don’t just use the noun “stupidity”? As in:
“The news anchor’s stupidity was palpable.”
The word stupidity, however, does not suit my diabolical plans. It is a quality, as opposed to a unique substance that seems measurable. I prefer my idiocy in hunks and pounds.:
“How many kilos of stupid do you suppose that bureaucrat has stuffed in his head?”
“When the customer service rep, who put me on hold for twenty minutes, came pack to the phone, her words mixed with a large, peanut-butter-thick spoonful of stupid as she tried to explain why she couldn’t (wouldn’t? shouldn’t?) help me close my mobile phone account.”
There. You see? It is much more effective using stupid as a noun. It can be weighed, doled out, lent to someone who might otherwise be intelligent. It could even be put in your pocket to be used at a later date, like when you have an inexplicable urge to commit a faux-pas, striking up a conversation with a woman regarding when her baby is due, only to find that she’s pleasingly plump instead of presumptuously pregnant. There is no end to the utility that can be found for the right measure of stupid. Why, we could even back up cement mixers full of stupid to our border with Mexico and build that bloody wall!